I have taken some time away from writing blog posts because if I’m honest, I wasn’t enjoying engineering, I wasn’t happy in my job or in myself, and I couldn’t write whilst in that headspace. I’ve never wanted this platform to be negative because there is far too much of that in the online world, I created this blog to inspire, encourage and motivate people. While I felt I couldn’t offer that, I decided not to try and force any content because it wouldn’t be true to myself.
I know a lot of people that I have spoken to over the last few weeks have been finding themselves in a similar funk, especially with their jobs. For me, it has been a reflection on the fact that nothing else in my life (feels like) is within my control at the moment. That means that, being the type A personality that I am, I have been over-analysing my career because it’s the one thing I feel I can control. You find more things that annoy you, spend more time looking at other jobs because you’ve got more time on your hands, and get wound up by your co-workers. But you have to really stop and think, would this normally bother me? If I could go on my usual holidays, do my normal hobbies, play my sports…would I even care that work isn’t as good as it could be? I would be bold enough to say you probably wouldn’t be worrying about these things, because you have your work-life balance that works for you, and at the end of the day that’s how we all manage the daily grind.
If there’s one piece of advice I would give someone who’s thinking about moving jobs at the moment, is to really look at what you’re feeling and make sure it’s definitely your job that’s causing your unhappiness. If your ‘usual’ life (in whatever form that may be) would mean you would be happier in your work, then try to ride the storm until we can get back to that ‘normal’. Hopefully this won’t be too far away, and once that happens if you still feel the same then you can take the step to move jobs. I would also recommend making sure you actually go to your potential new place of work and meet the people face-to-face…you definitely can’t get a vibe for a workplace via a Zoom call!
Another thing that has been a big reason for my radio silence is that my new commute is averaging around 3.5hrs of driving per day, which I am doing 2-3 times per week. Yes, I knew it was that far when I took the job, but if I’m honest I didn’t really stop to think about how that was going to impact me…I just knew I’d always driven a long way for work so how different would this be. Well, turns out it is a bit too far, and is definitely taking some adjusting to…but I will get there, and I can break it up by visiting friends/staying in hotels etc. to make it a bit more manageable. It has meant that I’ve felt like I haven’t got any time at all to myself, so things like my blog have taken a back seat while I’ve just been adjusting to my new routine.
The next side to this story is the self-identity crisis that’s been occupying my head for probably the last 12 months at least…
As many of you know, I usually go to 20-30 gigs per year, probably a couple of trips aboard and loads of weekend adventures in the van and with friends. Having all of that fun stuff taken away really strips back what my life looks like right now, and that casts huge doubt on who I am…my identity has been challenged having these things taken away, and it has been a long journey to process that. Before I stopped and thought about it recently, I hadn’t realised how much of an impact this was having on my daily life…I’ve got a restless soul and always wanting to push towards the next thing, whether that’s a career milestone, adventure or learning a new skill. Having all of that taken away has been exhausting, and whilst it’s been nice to have some time to reset it’s actually now having more of a detrimental impact on me and undoing all of the progress I’ve made over the last few years!
When I decided to become an engineer, one of the driving forces of me embarking on this career change was to enable me to have a better life – to be able to go on more holidays, go to more gigs etc. and really build the lifestyle that makes me who I am. Having that taken away has been so difficult, but it’s been something I haven’t wanted to talk about. I know so many people are going through losing loved ones, losing jobs, fighting the virus on a daily basis and friendships drifting apart. Me not being able to go to gigs or on holiday has felt like a super selfish thing to be complaining about, which is why I have tried not to really talk about it. But this huge lifestyle change over such a prolonged period of time has really impacted my mental wellbeing, and if I’m honest I’ve been struggling. We have tried to do what we can to keep ourselves sane with making big deals out of events at home, watching loads of live streams and planning all sorts of fun for the future. But that only goes so far.
I should have know I wasn’t feeling right when I lost interest in reading and planning…usually two of my favourite activities! Your mind or body always has a way of telling you when you’re a bit off, and it took some really bad days a few weeks back for me to stop, think and actually process everything that was going on in my mind. It was time to talk about my struggles instead of just pushing them down because I was worried about everyone else who was having a worse time than me. My lifestyle is the thing that I work hard for, that keeps me sane and that gives me purpose. That being turned on its head means everything I stand for has been turned on its head, but it’s only been in the last few weeks that I have actually stopped to think about that. So no, I’m not ashamed for speaking up and talking about it, because I know many others are feeling the same. I hope it helps to read this and know you’re not alone, and that no matter what your struggles are, they matter.
Once these things clicked into place in my mind, it took the pressure off my relentless self-analysis and reminded me why I started this blog and why I’m passionate about engineering. I’ve had a few really interesting opportunities come up whilst the cogs were turning, which has definitely helped to get me back on track and be in a position to *hopefully* try to inspire people instead of just feeling like a fraud who hates their job.
I was a judge on the Formula 1 in Schools challenge, which was remote this year but it was really fun to be a part of this. When I applied to be a judge I wasn’t sure they’d want me (thank you imposter syndrome), but the organiser’s reaction to me applying really gave me a spring in my step…I haven’t thought too much about my motorsport past too much lately, but it made me remember why it was such an important part of my life. My judging area was the verbal presentations given by the teams, and it was so heartening to see some genuine enthusiasm and excitement about engineering and motorsport.
I also did a magazine interview last week which I will share once it’s published, which came about from the journalist finding my blog…this was such a confidence booster, especially because it’s a publication I really respect and enjoy reading! Talking him through my career story, where my love for engineering came from and my goals for the future really fired me up again. It reminded me of how far I have come, and that journey is by no means over…I’m excited again about what the future has to offer, which honestly has been missing for a long time now.
The final thing is something that I’m keeping close to my chest for now, but hopefully I will be able to share more about it *if* things go well. Just keep your fingers crossed for me!!
So thank you for persevering with me, and I hope that now things are starting to turn around I will continue to be in a good headspace to deliver some great content for my readers ? This absolutely isn’t a cry for attention, I just wanted to share what’s been going on with me because I think it’s important to talk about these things. Everyone is going through a crazy life right now, and it’s hitting us all differently at different points. I just hope the next few months go to plan, and we can genuinely get back to normal. It’s what we all need.
As ever, you can reach out to me at thefemaleengineerblog@gmail.com or leave me a comment!
Emilie
The Female Engineer
